Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just want nice things and good sex
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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