I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
