Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
