Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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