I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
