She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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