so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
