hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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