I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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