its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
