I met the friendliest cop last night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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