I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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