Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
