Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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