I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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