the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
