btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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