I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
