rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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