party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
No stitches, just platelets and will power
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
