I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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