my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am naked and annoyed.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
