I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
