Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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