Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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