sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
