I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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