You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
