I can feel you judging me through the phone.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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