Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
