I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
