Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize