This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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