I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
