mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Enjoy the penises
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
