Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
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