Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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