My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
