last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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