I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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