it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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