I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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