Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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