Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
