i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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