It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
