Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
