Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
