I love black thongs
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Pooping to opera.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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