in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
