im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just invented taco cereal.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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