FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
