I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
