Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
