what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
