If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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