Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
