I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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