I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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