so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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