I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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