If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
